


don't turn your back, stay, i'll fix your heart of grey

by tigerlo



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Angst, F/F, I never thought I'd see the day where I'd write a teen au but here I am, Mentions of Charity's past, Teen AU, Vanity Fest, Vanity Fest 2018
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-01
Updated: 2018-12-01
Packaged: 2019-08-25 01:01:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,836
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16651300
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tigerlo/pseuds/tigerlo
Summary: She doesn’t come looking for Vanessa like she normally does, waiting outside for the teacher to finish and dismiss them so they can walk home together. Vanessa doesn’t see the familiar flash of blonde hair out the window at all.Picks up after @heartsways fic Into Ashes All My Lust, where Charity and Vanessa sleep together for the first time.





	don't turn your back, stay, i'll fix your heart of grey

**Author's Note:**

> There is one person to blame for this fic, because I normally won't even look at a teen au, let alone read one or - god forbid, write one - but @heartsways goes and creates this beautiful, deep, mature world, and I couldn't help myself. 
> 
> I've tried to make this as tasteful as possible because they're still teenagers, so hopefully it reads that way. Now, go forth, and get lost in this world too, and if you haven't already go and read all of @heartsways fic once you're finished. 
> 
> We can all also thank Vanity Fest for this being actually up and ready to be read so quickly as well as a touch of encouragement from someone spesh, otherwise, it might've stayed hidden forever.

-

 

Charity’s been different the last few days. Well, more different than she usually is, anyway. 

 

It’s Tuesday now, a few days since the weekend, since Vanessa’s mother had come home, a few days since they’d parted ways blushing.  Their time alone over the weekend had been, well…. some of the best days of Vanessa’s life, if she’s plain. They'd spent the two days together and they’d kissed goodbye but ever since then, Charity’s been off. 

 

She’d been expecting Charity to call in the days that follow, she normally does in the evenings once Ryan’s down and they’re settled for the night rather than Vanessa ringing and interrupting anything, but Vanessa hasn’t heard from her at all, and it’s starting to make her worry. 

 

Sometimes she just doesn’t, sometimes she has to miss the odd day of school when they get so busy having to look after Ryan or take him to see his special doctors, so a silence from Charity isn’t totally unheard of, but this one, after what they’d done in the weekend, it feels distinctly different. Like Vanessa, with no logic or rationale to back it, can’t shake the feeling that something’s wrong.

 

She hasn’t seen Charity in class all day but she saw her coming out of the office, presumably after seeing the principal following her absence, during her last lesson of the day - one they normally have together - through the window while she’s daydreaming instead of paying attention. She doesn’t come looking for Vanessa like she normally does when this happens, waiting outside for the teacher to finish and dismiss them so they can walk home together. Vanessa doesn’t see the familiar flash of blonde hair out the window at all. 

 

It takes cornering Charity behind the bike sheds after school breaks for the day for Vanessa to actually manage to speak to her. She’s chewed her nails down to the quick in the half hour it’s taken her to find Charity since the last bell went, and her index finger stings sharply where she’s bitten down too far. 

 

“Oi,” Vanessa says sharply when she finds the familiar line of Charity’s back leaning up against the tin shed, now empty, all the bikes home with their owners, not only because Charity’s smoking again. 

 

She at least has the decency to stub the cigarette out as soon as she sees that it’s Vanessa, but she turns her back when she sees that it’s Vanessa, too. 

 

It’s like a punch in the gut, the way Charity rolls her eyes and flicks the butt away to the side, pushing off the iron cladding and beginning to walk down the little path that Vanessa knows winds back to Irene’s house if it’s followed for long enough. The path they’ve walked together more times than Vanessa can count.

 

“Charity,” Vanessa says louder, the last syllable breaking around the tears she’s been holding onto for days. Charity doesn’t stop but she does slow, her shoulders bunching in the middle of her back beneath her school uniform. “Charity,” Vanessa says one last time in an attempt to get her to turn around, exasperated and hurt and not bothering to hide any of it in her voice. 

 

“What do you want, Vanessa?” Charity snaps when she does spin. She looks tired today, Vanessa notes. Like she hasn’t slept well the last few nights. 

 

“What do I want? What d’you mean, what do I want?” Vanessa asks with a hurt laugh. “I’m your… “ Vanessa trails off, not sure if saying  _ girlfriend _ will just make Charity more withdrawn. “What’s going on? Why are you ignoring me?” she asks finally, blinking back the tears in her eyes. 

 

“I’m not, babe,” Charity says dismissively. Her eyes look cold as they meet Vanessa’s, like they haven’t looked in a long, long time. “Don’t always have to be joined at the hip, do we,” Charity adds before she turns away again.

 

It’s beyond frustrating when Charity’s this disconnected, when she, and their whole relationship, feels like water between Vanessa’s fingers that she can’t reason with or hope to hang onto, nor hold close. 

 

“You are,” Vanessa says crossly, because she’s angry, because she doesn’t understand why Charity’s acting this way after they’d been….. “Look,” she says desperately, “did I…. did I do something wrong at the weekend? Was it not actually good? Have you changed your… if you don’t like me, just tell me, please. I can’t deal with this cold shoulder act any more.”

 

It all comes out in a panicky, unorganised rush, and Vanessa’s hands are shaking and clammy, and she’s crying, because all she wants is for Charity to turn around and walk back her way and take her hand and tell her that everything’s going to be alright. 

 

“Just go home, Vanessa,” Charity says instead, without looking back to her. Coldly, like they don’t mean anything to each other at all.

 

She watches Charity pull her cigarette packet out of her jacket pocket, hears that  _ flick _ of the flame being struck awake by the flint in her lighter, starting to walk again as she blows a line of smoke off into the air.

 

She wants Charity to turn around, she waits for it, for anything, but nothing happens and after a few minutes she disappears completely out of sight. She doesn’t do any of the things that Vanessa in her stupid naïveté wants. She walks away like Vanessa hadn’t been there at all. 

  
  


-

  
  


“Haven’t seen Vanessa in a few days, love,” Irene says casually to Charity on Friday morning, almost a week since they’d woken up together, naked and giggly and breathless in Vanessa’s bed. “Will you see her over the weekend, then?”

 

“Probably not,” Charity grumbles, pushing her cereal around between feeding spoonfuls of Ryan’s porridge to him. 

 

“Why not?” Irene asks, turning to Charity as she wipes her hands on a tea towel, moving from the sink to the table where Charity’s sitting. “You’ve not had a falling out, have you?”

 

“She’s shot of me,” Charity says bluntly, not offering Irene any additional explanation. It’s been days since she’s seen Vanessa at school, out by the bike sheds. Come to it, Charity doesn’t even know if Vanessa’s been at school since then, she’s barely looked up from her books or her feet to see. 

 

Not that she cares, of course. Not that she cares at all. It’s not like she’s been thinking about Vanessa since she walked away from her, or the way Vanessa’s hands feel clasped in her own. 

 

“She’s shot of you?” Irene asks sharply, taking a seat across from Charity, drawing Ryan into her lap and gesturing for Charity to eat her own breakfast. “Shot of you?” Irene parrots again, her brow furrowed. “Charity, that girl loves you, I don’t think she’s going to be shot of you any time in the next century. What’s really happened?” 

 

“She doesn’t love me,” Charity replies moodily, the action of saying it out loud a low ache, like when she used to press a little too deeply with something too sharp, and it wouldn’t heal for days. “And nothing, alright. I told you, nothing’s happened.”

 

“Miss Dingle,” Irene says sternly, using that authoritative, parental voice that Charity’s never heard the sound of before now. Her father was cruel, her mother is a hazy memory, and Irene is firm but she’s not domineering. “Do you remember the rules of you moving into this house?” she asks, clicking her tongue when Ryan refuses to take a mouthful of his food. “You respect me under this roof, and I respect you, and we don’t lie to each other, right?”

 

“Fine, well I’ll leave then, shall I?” Charity snaps, pushing her chair back from the table sharply, snatching her book off the table and turning in a huff. 

 

“Charity, sit down,” Irene says, in a way that makes Charity stop in place immediately. 

 

It’s still a knee-jerk reaction to aggressively reject authority, but it’s a knee-jerk reaction to submit to it immediately before she does. 

 

“I’m sorry, love,” Irene offers when she catches the paleness of Charity’s face. “I didn’t mean to speak like that, I just don’t want you to leave when you’re hurting. Will you tell me what’s happened with Vanessa? I’d hate for you to lose each other, that’s all. She’s-“

 

“Good for me, yeah I know,” Charity grumps, dropping back into her chair. “You need to get another line. Heard that one enough, I have.”

 

“I was going to say, she’s probably missing you as badly as you’re missing her, regardless of what’s happened between you two,” Irene says gently, and the genuine worry in her eyes takes the wind right out of Charity’s sails. 

 

“I’m not,” Charity replies, but it’s a weak objection, even she can hear how much it is. Irene doesn’t bother to argue her on it, pushing Charity her hardly touched but still-warm cup of tea, instead. 

 

It’s funny, little gestures like that affect Charity more than other things do: the way Irene makes space for her in a room, the way she shares everything with Charity without her ever having to ask. Vanessa’s even better at it than Irene is too, damn her. 

 

“Did you have a fight then?” Irene asks, smiling subtly when Charity reaches for the tea with an almost imperceptible  _ thanks _ . 

 

“It’s a long story,” Charity says, even though it isn’t really. She just doesn’t want to have to regurgitate her failure, she doesn’t want to have to try and pinpoint again exactly where she went wrong, because she can’t for the life of herself figure it out. 

 

“I don’t have to be anywhere, do I? And school doesn’t start for an hour yet,” Irene replies patiently, busying herself with trying to feed Ryan another mouthful rather than stare at Charity and wait for her to answer. 

 

She still doesn’t know why Irene even bothers with her. Why Vanessa does either.  _ Or did, _ she supposes with a wince. 

 

“Do you want all the gory details, then?” Charity asks cruelly, lashing out because she can, because it makes her feel just a little bit better, “or do you want the G-rated version?” She waits for Irene to frown or flinch, but she doesn’t. She’s stopped doing that a while ago, actually, and Charity’s not sure why she still bothers to look for a reaction when she knows she isn’t going to get one. 

 

“You can tell me whatever you need to tell me, Charity,” Irene replies calmly. “You always have been able to. You always will.”

 

It’s tempting just to lie so she can leave and wag school and maybe nick a bottle of cheap wine from the dairy and spend the day in the park, trying to figure out how the hell she’s going to get her head around trying to leave Vanessa behind, but Irene’s patience has taught Charity more than she expected to learn. That there aren’t negative repercussions from opening up to her, that there’s a catharsis to it, in fact, and that sometimes Irene can actually help. 

 

The thing is, not that Charity will even admit it to herself let alone Irene, but she doesn’t want to let Vanessa go. She wants Vanessa to stay. She wants Vanessa to drive her mad and tell her all the things that she should and shouldn’t do like Vanessa’s sixty and not sixteen. 

 

She wants Vanessa to tell her that she loves her, too. If she really does. If she  _ still _ does. 

 

“Look, I dunno what you think we are to each other, yeah? Ness and I?” Charity says with a defensive sigh. “I’m not really up for an argument neither, so if you’ve got a problem with it, it can wait for another day, because-“

 

“Charity, I don’t care whether the two of you are handfast, alright?” Irene says before smiling down at Ryan. “The only thing I care about is that you’re happy, and that you’re safe, the both of you.”

 

“Oh,” Charity says, her fight dying on her tongue, taken aback by the complete and utter lack of grief coming her way. “Alright then.” She’s quiet for a moment, busing herself with the cornflakes slowly growing as they soak up more and more milk. “The thing is,” Charity says finally, struggling to articulate what it is she wants to say, “I don’t think I know what we are, either, but we-“

 

“You’re together, then?” Irene asks, as if inquiring about the weather and not something that people yell slurs and throw punches at others for. 

 

Charity never thought this would be the thing to help, either, calmness like Irene and Vanessa have in spades. She thought she could never live in a world full of it, not after what she’s been through, not after what she’s had to endure. It used to make her angry, it used to make her want to break something heavy and expensive, but now the rationality of it forces her into a calm too. 

 

“We’re not girlfriend and girlfriend,” Charity drawls, rolling her eyes like it’s not something palatable. Like it’s not something she actually desperately wants. “I mean, I think Ness probably wouldn’t mind it. Or I thought she wouldn’t mind it at least.”

 

“So you’re not girlfriend and girlfriend but you’re  _ something _ ,” Irene clarifies, her brows furrowed as she tries to knit the picture together. “Something's happened, then has it? That’s made you not sure?”

 

Might as well spill the whole thing, she thinks. What’s she got to lose. 

 

“Sort of,” Charity grumbles, tensing her jaw. “Last weekend? When I was out, Vanessa and I went back to hers because her mum was away, and we…well, we y’know… “ Charity says, mining something rolling along with a faint flick of her wrist, “and we both wanted it, I know we did, we weren’t bladdered or anything else, it weren’t even that night, it was the morning after, and the morning after was good an’all, but,” Charity sighs, taking a deep breath, “after Ness’ mum got back home I tried to call a couple of times and Ness didn’t call back, so I figured maybe it wasn’t like I thought it was.”

 

“Is that the first time the two of you have been intimate together?” Irene asks calmly, like Charity’s an adult and not a stupid kid an inch away from a temper tantrum. She demands respect under this house, but she gives it too. 

 

“Suppose so,” Charity replies as she picks at a thread on the cuff of her school jumper. “We snog all the time, have for months, but we’ve never done any more, you know? I know she was keen, when we did, she was, but maybe she…. well, maybe she got what she wanted, didn’t she. She don’t need me anymore, if that’s the case.”

 

There’s a stain of black ink on her sleeve that Irene hasn’t been able to get out in the wash, from where Vanessa dropped a marker one day in class when Charity had pinched her bum while no one had been looking. It’s a thick pill to swallow, Charity thinks as she focuses on that messy black spot, that  _ that _ might be the case, because Vanessa’s different, she  _ promised _ she was different, but maybe everyone really is all the same.

 

“Charity,” Irene says seriously, holding her eye across the table, “Vanessa adores you. I’ve known it since the moment you brought her into this house. The girl I know would never be capable of something like that, and she’d be devastated if she knew you thought she’d be capable of it too. You’ve got to give her more credit than that. You’ve been inseparable for the better part of a year, love, don’t you think you’d have known if that was all she wanted long before now?”

 

“Yeah,” Charity grumbles, “I’spose.” 

 

She does know, actually, if she thinks about it, because she’s just about presented herself on a silver platter to Vanessa more times than she can count. So many times that she’s started to wonder if Vanessa had actually wanted her at all, because she knows she’s desirable, she knows what she looks like with nothing on, and if Vanessa had wanted her as much as Charity had first thought, it must have been a hell of a thing to not jump her bones on about six different occasions. 

 

“So what’s the alternative then?” Charity snaps when the realisation dawns on her, the thought making her sick to her stomach. “That she didn’t want it? That she-“

 

“Charity love, if anyone in this world understands consent and how important it is, it’s you,” Irene reasons calmly, lifting Ryan up to rub his back when he starts to fuss. “You would have known if Vanessa didn’t want to take things forward with you. More importantly, though, I don’t think she would ever put you in a position of guilt like that by not saying if she didn’t feel comfortable with things.”

 

“Feel pretty fucking guilty now, don’t I?” Charity says under her breath, throwing a quick  _ sorry  _ across the table when she catches Irene’s scowl. “What if I didn’t, though?” Charity asks, inhaling deeply, making her ribs creak. It’s a hard habit to break, inflicting pain on herself when she’s upset, or when she knows she’s done something wrong. “What if I just got caught up in everything, and she wasn’t ready?”

 

“Well, have you asked her? Do you actually know how she feels?” Irene asks so reasonably that it makes Charity dig her nails into her thighs in frustration. 

 

“She seemed happy enough right after,” Charity replies, not looking up to make eye contact, “told me so too, I think,” she adds, “but since I left, no. Haven’t spoken to her since, have I? Well, apart from when I told her to bugger off after school the other day because I was already convinced she was trying to give me the flick, and I wanted to beat her to it.”

 

“And rather than ask her about it in person, you’ve just assumed she didn’t want to talk to you, even though she tried to reach out a few days after?” Irene asks as evenly as she can, obviously sensing how close Charity is to snapping. 

 

“Didn’t I just tell you I thought she was already off me by then?” Charity says exasperatedly, pinching the skin of her thigh harder. “I thought she was coming to make sure I knew to stay away. Look, we know I’m not the bloody top of the class, alright.”

 

She can just feel the knotted, scarred skin of one of the deeper cuts through her tights, the urge, the itch to do something with it almost overwhelming. Vanessa’s good at stopping her when she when she fixates on something like this, she was without knowing what Charity’s skin actually looked like bare too, without understanding the full importance of her small, soft interventions. She’s good at taking Charity’s hand without saying a word, at threading her fingers between Charity’s until she can’t use them as a weapon any more. Or she was good. Maybe she will be again. 

 

“You’re a smart girl, Charity,” Irene says with a genuineness that makes Charity’s throat tighten. “Far smarter than you give yourself credit for.” 

 

It makes her throat burn, Irene’s kindness at times. It makes her want to thrash against it like she does authority, because she’s still so sure she doesn’t deserve it, and that if she does take it on and listens, it’ll burn her while she holds it delicately in her hands anyway. 

 

“What do I do, then?” Charity asks quietly, balling her hands into fists and sitting on them. “I’m not smart enough to know that, am I?”

 

“You want to fix things?” Irene questions, regulating the smile that’s trying to spill out from the corner of her mouth. 

 

“Course I do,” Charity mumbles, dropping her chin, flicking her head when her hair spills down into her eyes. 

 

“Then talk to her, love,” Irene replies with a soft smile, reaching out for Charity’s hand finally, waiting until Charity slips it from under her thigh, giving in to the small offer of comfort. “Just talk to her. Be honest with her. Let her tell you how she feels, herself. That’s all you have to do.”

  
  


-

  
  


Her fingers shake as she dials Vanessa’s number later that night. Irene let her stay home from school today, knowing full well if she sent Charity out of the house that she wouldn’t go there anyway. 

 

She’s spent the day sleeping mostly, resting around Ryan whose temperature finally seemed to have broken, before Irene had knocked on Charity’s bedroom door with an overnight bag in her hand. 

 

Her blood had cooled instantly before she’d realised it had been Irene’s things in the bag and not hers, and Irene had told her gently she was taking Ryan to a girlfriend’s place for the night. 

 

“Call Vanessa, love,” Irene had said as she’d scooped a sleeping Ryan up into her arms. 

 

“Alright,” Charity had replied a little nervously. “Why are you leaving, though?”

 

“Thought you might want the privacy,” Irene had said casually like she wasn’t doing Charity an enormous favour, “and I’d rather the two of you were here than skulking around in a park.”

 

“Oh,” Charity had said a little taken aback. “Thanks, Irene.”

 

“You’re welcome,” Irene had offered before squeezing Charity’s shoulder and turning to leave. “Just make sure you call her, won’t you. For me, too.”

 

The dial tone is deafening in Charity’s ear. The urge to hang up quickly is almost overwhelming, and she’s terrified she’ll have to work up the courage to do this all over again if Vanessa doesn’t pick up the first time. She’s about to lift the receiver away from her face when she hears the line being picked up, her blood stopping in her veins at the sound of the voice on the other line. 

 

“Hello, Vanessa speaking,” comes Vanessa’s taunt-worthy polite tone. “Hello?” she repeats when Charity fails to speak right away. “Is anyone-“

 

“Ness,” Charity replies finally, taking a breath that sticks on the roof of her mouth. “It’s me.”

 

“Oh,” Vanessa says quietly. Charity can picture the exact curve of her brow as she frowns in surprise on the other end. 

 

“Ness, are you still th-“ Charity starts to ask cautiously when Vanessa doesn’t say anything for a few seconds, but Vanessa cuts her off before she can finish her sentence. 

 

“Remembered who I am, have you?” Vanessa asks her with a bite that makes Charity wince. She’s used to Vanessa throwing that tone outwards when people are cruel to her, not aiming it in the other direction. “Or is this a prank call?”

 

“I never forgot who you were, you plum,” Charity says impatiently. She had anticipated Vanessa being a little difficult, but she’s not sure how much of Vanessa’s coolness she’ll actually be able to bide because she’s hanging onto her flight instinct by the skin of her teeth as it is. 

 

“Right, so you were just busy being a tosser then, were you?” Vanessa asks dryly. She’s not being cruel for the sake of it though, Charity knows the difference by now. She’s hurt. It’s defensiveness, the prickliness. She’s in pain. 

 

“Ness, please,” Charity says with a sigh, trying to suppress the urge to reach for bare skin to scratch. “I’m trying here.”

 

“Are you?” Vanessa deadpans, but Charity can hear something halfway through, like it changes from an accusation to a question. 

 

“Look, will you come around tonight?” Charity asks, biting her lip as she kicks the skirting board with her big toe. “Please.” 

 

“Why?” Vanessa asks cautiously. “Is this a joke? Are you going to make fun or do something to-“

 

“Vanessa, please,” Charity begs, not bothering to hide the desperation in her voice. “Just come, will you? I’ll apologise and say whatever I need to when you’re here, but please just-“

 

“When?” is all Vanessa asks, and Charity’s knees almost go in relief. 

 

“Whenever you can,” Charity replies quickly, her heart leaping. “Now, if you want to. If you wanna to bring a bag to stay too, that’d be-” 

 

“Hang on a second,” Vanessa says, and before Charity can agree she hears Vanessa yelling in the background. “Mum, I’m going to Charity’s for the night. Yeah, I know. Can you-“ Charity hears the line  _ click _ like Vanessa’s facing into the receiver again. “I’ll be there in an hour or so, is that-“

 

“Brill, Ness,” Charity says in a rush, her heart thumping messily in her chest. “I’ll see you soon, yeah. Thanks, too, for-“

 

“Don’t thank me yet,” Vanessa grumbles, and Charity’s heart plummets a good three inches. “Said I’d come around, not that I’d- look, I’ll just see you soon, alright.”

 

Disappointment should be a familiar taste to her by now but the truth is she’s almost forgotten the sting of it on her tongue. She doesn’t actually know what she’ll do if Vanessa turns up to break her heart for real. 

 

_ What a shame, _ she thinks cynically,  _ to have it almost mended just before it’s broken again.  _

  
  


-

  
  


Vanessa asks her mum to drop her off at the corner shop, rather than at Charity’s house, just in case Irene’s car isn’t in the drive and her mum in a grump refuses to stop and let her out without adult supervision around. 

 

She’s been better with Charity lately though, since Vanessa’s been able to slowly prove that she’s not the terrible influence that her mother thinks Charity is. She’s been good for Vanessa if anything, beyond that actually, because Vanessa’s never had a friend before, not really, let alone she wants to spend every waking minute with. She’s helped Vanessa bring herself out of her deeply shy shell, she’s made her laugh, she’s helped Vanessa find a confidence that Vanessa’s never had before. 

 

Not that she could really call her relationship with Charity a  _ friendship _ : that doesn’t feel like it does it justice in any sense of the word, even without this intimate romantic connection added to it now. She loves Charity, she knows that beyond a reasonable doubt, her absence in Vanessa’s life this week has proved that beyond anything else. 

 

Vanessa’s spent the week moping, faking a tummy bug so she hasn’t had to go to school and see Charity since their interaction by the bike sheds. She’d been dreading having to face Monday because she’d known full well she couldn’t keep the sick act up forever. At some point she’d have to face school with the knowledge that she’d be doing that alone, without Charity by her side, from now on. 

 

It’s completely pathetic, but she’s been utterly lost without Charity this week. She’s been lonely. Bone deep lonely, too, not just the surface kind, barely able to sleep for fear that Charity might just have shut her out forever. 

 

She’s spend the better part of the week lying in her bed, the bed she kissed Charity in a week ago completely stripped of everything, the bed where they’d… trying to formulate some kind of plan to apologise or get Charity to listen to her. She was so convinced she would have to be the one to bridge the gap between them, or try at least, which is why she’d been so utterly speechless when she’d picked up the phone and heard Charity’s voice an hour ago. 

 

The woman behind the counter gives Vanessa a broad smile when she sees her walk in to the dairy. She comes here often enough with Charity, chatting animatedly while Charity broods rudely in the background, tugging on Vanessa’s rucksack in an effort to hurry her along so she can drag her home to make use of the hour they have before Vanessa’s mum finishes work. 

 

“Where’s our moody friend today?” the woman asks with a friendly grin. 

 

“Waiting for this, I suppose,” Vanessa answers flatly, smiling as an afterthought when she hands the woman over a note to cover the handful of junk food sitting on the counter. All the crap Charity likes, and a few things she does too. 

 

“Everything alright?” she asks Vanessa as she packs the things into a plastic bag. 

 

“Yeah,” Vanessa replies with a frown. “I hope so, anyway,” she adds, taking the bag with a quick,  _ thanks for that _ .

 

“See you next time, love,” the woman says as Vanessa turns to leave. “Chin up, eh? All that junk food, you’ll have your troubles solved in no time.”

 

She doesn’t bother to answer as she shuffles out the door, because she’s not actually sure if she will see her soon. The bell catches with a light jingle as she steps out onto the street, and Vanessa tenses her jaw and tries desperately not to cry at that thought.

 

It would be easy to assume that Charity’s asked her over to reconcile, but that, rather unfortunately, seems almost too good to be true. She’s hoping beyond hope that for once, it really is as simple as that though. That there aren’t any tricks up Charity’s sleeves, that this isn’t another game and that Charity’s just missed her as much as Vanessa has in return. 

 

She drags her feet the whole way down the road to Irene’s house, so focused on them that she doesn’t recognise the paint of the right fence until she’s stood in front of it. 

 

Her brain does a double take though, looking to the road to make sure she hasn’t just walked out in front of a car and died and gone to heaven, because leaning against the mailbox, waiting for her with a pale pink flower in her hand, is Charity Dingle. 

 

Her eyes meet Vanessa’s for a desperate second before they dart over the rest of her. “You came,” Charity says, her shoulders visibly relaxing an inch as she breathes. 

 

“Didn’t you think I would?” Vanessa asks with a frown, stopping an arms reach from Charity’s feet. 

 

“You said an hour, and you’re never normally late,” Charity mumbles, looking down at the flower in her hands, her fingers running delicately over the leaves peeling off the stem. “Been almost two, hasn’t it. Thought you might’ve stood me up.”

 

“Stopped to get something,” Vanessa gives in answer, swinging the plastic bag between them as an illustration. 

 

It knocks off the careful balance of her heavy overnight bag on her other shoulder, the shift making the bag strap slip down where it catches in the crook of her elbow, jolting her whole body sharply. 

 

“Here,” Charity says, rolling her eyes, reaching to take the bag off Vanessa’s shoulder before she can right it herself. She throws it over her own shoulder with ease, a natural strength that always makes Vanessa jealous. She pauses before holding the flower out to Vanessa awkwardly. “Here, too. This is for you.”

 

Vanessa hesitates initially, and it makes Charity’s face fall. It had been easier to be harsh on the phone but it’s much harder here where she can see the way her actions, her dismissal, impacts on Charity. She holds her hand out for the flower after a beat, giving Charity a slightly guilty, slightly forced, wholly relieved smile, waiting for Charity to place the rose in her palm. 

 

“Which garden did you pinch this from, then?” Vanessa asks, raising the flower to savour the sweet scent coming from it. 

 

“I don’t nick everything, you know,” Charity bites back, glaring at Vanessa. “Irene picked it from the back for me. She thought you might like it”

 

“What did you think?” Vanessa asks with a frown, trying to ignore the ache in her shoulder from holding onto her bag too long. 

 

“Well it were my idea, weren’t it,” Charity grumbles, sounding offended. She doesn’t meet Vanessa’s eye and Vanessa kicks herself for lashing out again. 

 

“Was it really?” Vanessa asks, but she doesn’t need to. Charity’s always been surprisingly romantic when she wants to be. She’s good too at not taking credit for things that aren’t hers, in her own self-deprecating kind of way. “Where’s Irene?” Vanessa says instead of waiting for an answer, glancing to the empty driveway. 

 

“Out,” Charity says, flicking her head to clear the hair out of her eyes as she leans back against the fence. Her fingers wrap around the horizontal wooden plank, squeezing hard enough to make her knuckles white when she looks up to Vanessa. “Took Ryan to a friend’s for the night.”

 

“Did she really?” Vanessa asks, her heart thumping as her brain leaps to its own conclusion. 

 

“Seemed pretty adamant I fixed this, didn’t she,” Charity says quietly, holding Vanessa’s eye for the first time in a week. “Look will you just come inside, please? You don’t have to stay the night, you don’t even have to stay for an hour, but will you let me say my piece before I lose my nerve?”

 

It’s so honest and so contrite that Vanessa forgets completely for a moment that she’s even supposed to be upset at all. 

 

“Course I will,” Vanessa says softly, dropping her head and breaking their locked gazes, but taking a step forward towards Charity. 

 

She collects Charity’s hand on the way past, blushing at the hiccup of breath she hears when she does so before leading the two of them down the driveway to the front door. 

 

“Do you wanna sit down here,” Vanessa asks when they walk into the house. It feels like taking a deep breath, being back here, the familiar scent of the place finding her and settling against her skin. 

 

They’re still holding hands, Charity’s fingers having woven themselves between hers at some point between before, outside, and now. Charity’s thumb strokes over the fine bones of the back of her hand while they stand in silence before she realises what she’s doing, freezing in the familiarity of the moment.

 

“Upstairs,” Charity replies before she blanches. “I mean, not like that, Ness,” she adds quickly, “I just like it better up there.”

 

“So do I,” Vanessa says with a soft smile. She can sense Charity’s hesitation but she can’t work out the root of it. It’s clear that Charity, for whatever reason, is waiting for her to make a decision for them. “Come on then,” she says, turning her toe towards the staircase. “If you’re-“

 

“As I’ll ever be,” Charity finishes for her, gritting her teeth. She squeezes Vanessa’s hand for strength, not even registering her action, as habitual as it is, before she takes a step and follows Vanessa’s lead. 

 

“It’s alright, Charity,” Vanessa says in reassurance, staying still until she’s finished speaking even as Charity moves forward. She needs to say this, whatever fate waits for her at the top of the stairs: whether Charity wants her or not Vanessa will never not be whatever support she needs, even if it kills her, even if means having to be so close and not being able to be anything more than a friend. “Whatever it is you want to- it’ll be alright.”

 

“How do you know that, Ness?” Charity laughs, the trill of it cynical and not at all convinced. 

 

“Cause I’ll make it that way,” Vanessa says plainly, shrugging her shoulders. “Because I won’t have anything else for you.”

  
  


-

  
  


Vanessa’s nerves are in her throat when Charity leads them into her room, their hands clasped tight enough to make her joints protest. 

 

She can’t help but smile when she looks around the room though, because Charity’s made an earnest attempt at cleaning it, the piles of clothes that normally litter the floor all stuffed far enough into the drawers of her dresser that they actually shut properly. 

 

“Do you wanna sit?” Charity asks, looking to the bed, dropping Vanessa’s hand to gesture, “or would you rather-“

 

“Sitting’s good,” Vanessa says before Charity has to give her another option. She sits the bag of junk food down on Charity’s side table and moves for the bed, crossing her shins over each other Indian-style as she takes her place up by the headboard. 

 

Charity’s slow to take her own seat, waiting until Vanessa pats the spot in front of her before she does so. 

 

“I don’t like it when you’re quiet,” Vanessa says, worrying her bottom lip between her teeth. “I mean… you know what I mean.”

 

“Just don’t want to put my foot in it, do I?” Charity replies ruefully, rolling her palms firmly over her jean-clad knees. 

 

“You won’t,” Vanessa says, shaking her head, reaching to stop Charity’s hand without thinking when she sees her nails press too hard into the denim. 

 

“I will,” Charity replies with a cynical laugh as Vanessa’s hand slides back to her own thigh. “It’s only ever a matter of time isn’t it?” 

 

“I mean, you can speak freely, Charity,” Vanessa says as softly as she can without crossing the line into anything nearing pity. “Whatever it is you want to say, just say it.”

 

“Why are you like this?” Charity asks with a frown, looking at Vanessa like she’s suddenly grown another nose. 

“Why are you so patient with me? Why do you come back even though I’m such a fucking prick sometimes.”

The answer comes to the tip of Vanessa’s tongue so smoothly she doesn’t even have to think about it. It’s just there, like it has been for months now. Part of her thinks she should squeeze it back down into her chest, but there’s something else that tells her no, that this is the time for truth. That Charity might just need to hear this as much as she needs to say it. 

 

“Because I love you,” Vanessa exhales, pushing out a lungful of air as she does so. “That’s why.”

 

Charity’s face is ludicrously expressive when she isn’t trying to hide anything, and Vanessa watches as a flicker of the full range of human emotion crosses it, before something settles, and Charity’s face just  _ falls _ . 

 

“I’m sorry, Ness,” Charity says, her eyes watering dangerously before a few tears slip down her cheeks, her whole body folding in on itself as she curls towards her lap and sobs. “I’m so sorry.”

 

It’s the easiest thing to scoot forward and catch Charity before she collapses completely, sliding her arms under Charity’s and around her back so Charity’s forearms cross over her shoulders. 

 

“Talk to me, Charity,” Vanessa asks with a quiet urgency, nuzzling her way into Charity’s neck through the curtain of her hair to make sure Charity can hear her. “What’s really going on?”

 

“Will you tell me the truth?” Charity asks, pulling back from Vanessa with tear-streaked cheeks, clinging to her like her life depends on it. “If I ask you something will you tell me the truth, and not spare my feelings?”

 

“I’ve never told you anything but the truth,” Vanessa says clearly. “Never. It’s why I drive you up the wall all the time, isn’t it?”

 

“But this might be different,” Charity hiccups, as her arms slip down Vanessa’s arms. “This might be-“

 

“Charity,” Vanessa says calmly, her thumb moving, stroking over the seam on Charity’s knee soothingly. “I promise, alright?” 

 

Charity looks panic stricken still, but it’s better in the face of Vanessa’s lack of negative emotion. The outward calm is completely for show, because Vanessa feels like she might still be sick off the side of the bed any second, she’s that worried about whatever it is that Charity’s upset about. 

 

What if there’s someone else? What if one of the older boys that hang around Charity like flies when they’re out finally broke his way through Charity’s bullshit detector, and she’s trying to tell Vanessa that they’d…

 

“The other morning, no, last weekend I mean,” Charity says, correcting herself, breaking Vanessa out of her thoughts. “You… we didn’t do anything you didn’t want to, did we? I mean, I didn’t force you or make you feel like you had to do anything, did I?” 

 

“What?” Vanessa asks sharply, her face immediately turning into a frown, her hand falling off Vanessa’s knee. 

 

“I didn’t…” Charity starts to continue for her, “I didn’t make us do anything you didn’t want, did I? I didn’t-“

 

“No,” Vanessa says quickly once she processes what it is that Charity’s actually asking her. “No, Charity, no,” she says again firmly, shaking her head and biting back tears of her own. “Is that what this is all about? You think you made me do something I didn’t want to do?”

 

“Isn’t that why you didn’t ring me back when I phoned your mum about ten times?” Charity asks with a deep furrow in her brow. “Isn’t that why you didn’t come to school all week?”

 

“Charity, I didn’t even know you’d rung,” Vanessa says in exasperation. “I’ve been waiting by the phone all week for you to call. I didn’t come to school because I thought you didn’t want to see me. You told me you didn’t, remember.”

 

“But,” Charity hiccups, “but you did want what happened between us?” Charity asks, wiping angrily at her cheeks with the cuff of her jersey, smudging her mascara. “You did want-“

 

“Of course I did,” Vanessa says urgently, taking Charity’s hands in her own, tugging on her arms until Charity looks her in the eye. “I brought us back to mine, didn’t I? I invited you upstairs, I took all my own clothes off, remember?”

 

“Yeah, but that doesn’t mean you didn’t still change your mind at any point along the way, babe,” Charity reasons. Her eyes shine with a deep internalised anger, and grief, the green in them so bright Vanessa almost gets lost in them. 

 

“I didn’t,” Vanessa asserts calmly, “I didn’t then and I haven’t regretted any part of it for a second since. Charity, I’ve wanted that for a long time, I’ve wanted  _ you _ for a long time. Listen to me, alright? I wanted every part of what happened.” Vanessa pauses as her gut twists. “Didn’t you?” 

 

“Course I did, Ness,” Charity sighs, squeezing her hands around Vanessa’s. “Wanted it for bloody months, haven’t I? Not half irresistible, you.”

 

Vanessa feels the air around them slacken with her admission, the tension decreasing almost palpably. “Good,” Vanessa says with a little smile. She’s more than a little relieved to hear it, to be honest. “So we’re on the same page there at least, then,” Vanessa adds as she watches the relief flicker across Charity’s face. “Did you really think I didn’t want what happened between us?”

 

“I didn’t think you wanted to speak to me, babe,” Charity says with a sad shrug. “What else was I supposed to think the reason was? We’ve had worse rows about stuff and you always call me afterwards, but you didn’t, so I jumped to the worst possible conclusion because that’s normally what it is for me, innit?” 

 

“Why didn’t you ask me when you saw me at school?” Vanessa asks quietly. 

 

“Because I was trying to protect myself, babe,” Charity replies, wincing as she does so. “Because that’s what I do. I thought you’d come and found me to have go, or tell me how big of a mistake it was in person, and I wanted to beat you to it, so I pushed you away first.”

 

“Oh,” Vanessa says softly. She drops her head to look at their hands, running her thumb over the chipped nail polish on one of Charity’s nails. “That makes sense, I suppose.”

 

“Look, I know that’s on me, yeah?” Charity offers, ducking her head to catch Vanessa’s eye, lifting her hand to tip Vanessa’s head up gently. “I didn’t give you the credit you deserve. I shouldn’t have jumped to any conclusions without talking to you, but I lo- I, uh, I like you, Ness. And I was hurt, and I’m rubbish at doing anything reasonable once that’s happened.”

 

“Hurt?” Vanessa asks with a frown, confused. Hurt, throws her. She would have picked several emotions out of a bag before, that. 

 

“Wasn’t just a big deal for you, was it,” Charity admits quietly, her cheeks darkening. “I know I’m so far from a bloody virgin, but it was different, Ness. I’ve never- it wasn’t like anything I’ve ever done before, not just because you were a girl. It was a big deal for me too, and then I thought you didn’t want to talk to me, and  _ then _ thought I’d forced you into- look, it was just a mess, yeah. A really big mess, just like everything else about me.”

 

It’s not often Charity blushes, but she’s so pretty when she does so, Vanessa never knows what to do with herself.

 

“You’re not a mess,” Vanessa sighs, her eyes softening, “and you know now, don’t you?” Vanessa asks, she implores. “You know that it was something I wanted, something I  _ want _ .”

 

“Want?” Charity questions perceptively. “So I haven’t wrecked this, then? You don’t hate me? You still-” 

 

Vanessa leans forward without thinking, pulling on Charity’s hands to bring her closer, pressing their lips together so carefully Vanessa thinks she can feel Charity’s heartbeat through them. 

 

It’s so gentle that Vanessa’s not completely sure whether Charity’s feeding back into it, or just allowing it to happen. 

 

“Sorry,” Vanessa says, kicking herself when she pulls back quickly. “I didn’t mean to assume tha-“

 

“Shut up, Ness,” Charity interrupts with a smirk, dropping one of Vanessa’s hands in favour of sliding her own around Vanessa’s neck, pulling her back in until Vanessa can feel the slight stickiness of Charity’s chapstick against her lips. “And kiss me, will you?” 

 

Vanessa’s not sure whether she wants to smile or cry into it more but she settles on breathing a sigh of relief that makes her throat ache when Charity pushes forward and they find each other. 

 

She can feel the static electricity hanging expectantly in the air around them, trying to find a space to crackle between them as they eliminate it all and pull each other forward. Charity’s hand tightens at the nape of her neck and her other arm slides around Vanessa’s lower back as Vanessa’s arms go around Charity’s shoulders, the pads of her fingers pressing so tightly into the muscles they find that she relaxes for fear of hurting Charity. 

 

“Don’t let go, Ness,” Charity breathes against her lips, resting her forehead head against Vanessa’s when she breaks the kiss reluctantly. “I told you before I wasn’t going to break if you touched me, didn’t I?”

 

“Are you sure?” Vanessa asks, closing her eyes, focusing on the way Charity’s chest expands and contracts beneath and around her. 

 

There’s another layer to her question, and she’s not sure if Charity can hear it around the relief swirling around them. She’s not brave enough to articulate it plainly, but she hopes, she  _ hopes _ that Charity finds it anyway. 

 

“Have you seen the size of you?” Charity replies with a smirk, yelping when Vanessa pinches her side. “Oi, if we start that I’ll win, you know I will” she growls playfully, her face changing when it reads the real question in Vanessa’s eyes, breathing before she answers. “I’m sure, Ness. It won’t, alright? I’m not going to. Not this or me.”

 

“Neither am I,” Vanessa replies, sighing deeply when Charity’s arm tightens around her waist, pulling her even closer. She can almost feel Charity’s heartbeat through her chest now, she can almost feel the cadence of it in the tremble of her own skin. 

 

“Promise?” Charity asks quietly, not lifting her forehead from Vanessa’s like she’s scared to read the answer on her face. “Promise you won’t leave, either?”

 

“Charity, how could I?” Vanessa returns with a laugh, because it’s not funny but it’s laughable, that she ever  _ actually _ could. “You know how I feel about you.”

 

“I dunno babe,” Charity shrugs, hanging her head until Vanessa’s hands move to her cheeks and lift her chin up gently. “Same way everyone else does,” she adds with a grimace. “Doesn’t seem hard for them, does it?”

 

“I’m not like everyone else,” Vanessa says strongly. She doesn’t know a lot about herself, but she knows that much. She knows she’ll always be on the tips of her toes to throw herself in Charity’s defence at the slightest hint of danger or trouble. 

 

“No,” Charity agrees softly. “You’re not. And I haven’t got a bloody clue why you put up with me, but it means a lot, Ness. I don’t say it enough, but it does.”

 

“There’s no putting up with you, you plum,” Vanessa replies, letting her hands slip down Charity’s cheeks to rest on her shoulders. “You’re amazing, you know. I’m lucky you let me hang around you enough to see it.”

 

Charity’s terrible with compliments, so bad that Vanessa’s so careful of when she does give them, because she never, ever wants Charity to question their validity. Sparingly and deeply genuine seems to work in handling them though, even if Charity does shake her head in refusal every time they come out of Vanessa’s mouth. 

 

“Did you mean it?” Charity asks vaguely, her hands curling into the flesh above Vanessa’s hips with a quiet desperation. “What you said before?” she clarifies, her voice almost shaky. “That you loved me?”

 

“I did,” Vanessa says easily, smiling softly. Because it’s effortless, actually, loving her. Simpler than breathing. 

 

“Still?” Charity asks so quietly Vanessa almost misses it. 

 

“I think it’s a bit unconditional, if I’m honest,” Vanessa admits, her thumbs smoothing up and down the tendons in the side of Charity’s neck. 

 

“I think,” Charity begins before she stumbles. “I think I do too, Ness, but I’m-“ she stops and takes a deep breath in, “what if it falls apart because I say it back? That’s how everything works for me, doesn’t it. It all comes to pieces the second I say I’m happy out loud.”

 

“You don’t have to,” Vanessa says, shaking her head gently. “Charity, you don’t, just because I did. Even if you do feel that-“

 

“Why do you, though, Ness? Why me?” There’s a deep exasperation, a heavy bewilderment on Charity’s face as she speaks, like she  _ truly _ doesn’t understand. “I’m so broken and complicated and ruined and screwed up,” she adds. “You could have anyone in the world if you wanted. Why me? Why do I get this?” 

 

“It wasn’t ever a choice,” Vanessa answers simply. It’s true too, because Charity’s been wholly magnetic from the first time Vanessa laid eyes on her, and there hadn’t ever been another choice but to be drawn towards her and to stay there. “It just happened,” Vanessa says, shrugging as she smiles gently. “You make it easy, Charity. You make it so easy. I mean, don’t exactly have anyone banging down the door to date me, but there isn’t anyone else in the world I’d want, even if I had the choice.”

 

“What about someone without baggage,” Charity asks, her eyes glistening, “without scars and too many problems and a bloody kid, and so many ghosts they never disappear even when the sun comes up and it’s not dark anymore.”

 

“You’re not you without those things, though,” Vanessa replies softly, reaching to tuck a strand of Charity’s hair behind her ear. Her palm hovers over Charity’s cheek gently before another hand covers her own, and Charity captures it against her face. “It’s all of you I love, isn’t it? Not just the hot exterior and the good kisser parts.”

 

“Sometimes I don’t even think this is real, you know,” Charity admits, closing her eyes and leaning into Vanessa’s touch. “You and Irene and Ryan. Being here. Sometimes it feels too good to be true that I’m so sure he killed me in that flat, and this is yaknow, heaven or summat. Not that I’d probably get in there, anyway.”

 

“I’m real, Charity,” Vanessa says softly as her heart twists painfully. She thinks she’d kill him if she could, for what he’s done to Charity. For what he took and broke. For what he’s left behind for Charity to live with. “I promise I’m real. Don’t you think I’d be less annoying if I weren’t?”

 

Charity huffs a laugh, the corner of her mouth turning up against Vanessa’s palm and Vanessa runs her thumb over the corner of Charity’s lips, the small gesture irresistible. 

 

“Good point, that,” Charity replies after a beat, admitting a wry smile. “I’m sure you’d be a lot less right, too.”

 

“Smart arse,” Vanessa grumbles. Her hand slips from Charity’s cheek, moving down her front to rest over her heart. “Are you alright?”

 

“You’re here,” Charity says simply, covering Vanessa’s hand with hers again, pressing Vanessa’s palm firmly against her chest, as if reassuring herself of that fact. “I’m always alright when you’re here.”

 

“So am I when you are, too,” Vanessa sighs. She closes her eyes and reaches for the  _ pitter-patter _ of Charity’s heart against her skin. “And we’re alright too, aren’t we?”

 

“Yeah, babe, we are,” Charity smiles, the light reaching her eyes, lifting Vanessa’s hand to her mouth and pressing a kiss to her palm. “Does this mean I’m your girlfriend now, then? If you love me?”

 

“I don’t think it works like that, or you’d have been my girlfriend for weeks now,” Vanessa mumbles under her breath, a touch embarrassed. 

 

“Is that somethin’ you want, Ness?” Charity asks softly. Her knees are crossed in front of her, mirroring Vanessa’s position, but she shifts herself to move closer, uncrossing her legs and settling with her thighs wide outside of Vanessa’s, her inner thighs touching Vanessa’s knees. 

 

Charity’s hands slide down to Vanessa’s hips, rounding over her backside, tugging her a little closer. Vanessa’s heartbeat quickens in her chest when Charity’s hands squeeze tightly, a little sigh falling from her lips at the relief her proximity brings. 

 

“Course it is, you plank,” Vanessa mumbles messily, her brain sluggish, short-circuiting under Charity’s hands. She shakes her head to clear it some so that she can look properly into the green eyes across from her. “Is it what you want, though?”

 

Charity’s tongue brushes over her lower lip and Vanessa stares transfixed. “Yeah, Ness,” she says softly, her grip on Vanessa’s backside easing. “I think it is, an’all.”

 

“I don’t want it if you don’t though,” Vanessa frowns, because that feels far too easy. “If you’d rather just be…I dunno, whatever this is, that’s fine too, I just-“

 

“Vanessa Woodfield, I want you to be my girlfriend, you idiot,” Charity says plainly, smirking at Vanessa in that way she does that infuriates her, when she knows she has the upper hand. “Stop overthinking, would you?”

 

“God, you’re such a romantic,” Vanessa grumbles, ducking her head to the side when Charity moves in for a kiss. 

 

“That means your mine proper, doesn’t it?” Charity asks, whispering to her cheek when Vanessa doesn’t turn her head. She leans even closer, moving her lips to the line of Vanessa’s jaw, tracing the curve up to her ear. “All mine.” 

 

“I’ve been all yours from the start, you fool,” Vanessa sighs, tilting her head to make room when Charity moves to her neck, placing a messy kiss over her pulse. 

 

“Yeah, so have I, babe,” Charity admits, smiling against Vanessa’s skin. She sighs heavily and the rush of breath makes Vanessa shiver. “I’m really flamin’ sorry, you know,” Charity says quietly. “For this week, I mean. I’ve missed you something mad.”

 

“I’ve missed you too,” Vanessa replies, placing her hands on either side of Charity’s face again. “Promise me that won’t happen again, alright? The not talking thing, I mean. You can be as cross as you want, but promise me you’ll not shut me out again.”

 

“Of course, Ness,” Charity breathes with a frown. “I’ll try, but…what if I’m a terrible girlfriend? What if I make a piss-poor job of all this and you end up hating me, and-“

 

Vanessa kisses her to stop the stream of panicked consciousness, and it takes Charity a second to relax against her but she does eventually. They never feel like two seperate definable bodies when they kiss, or when they touch like this. They melt so cleanly into each other, Vanessa’s never sure where she ends and Charity begins. 

 

“You’ve been my girlfriend without the title for months,” Vanessa whispers against Charity’s lips, her hands intertwined at the nape of Charity’s neck, “and I think you’ve done a brilliant job. It doesn’t have to be hard, Charity. It’s just us. It’s still just us. We can make our own rules, alright?”

 

“I just don’t want to hurt you,” Charity says quietly, tucking her head into the crook of Vanessa’s neck. “I always hurt people though, even when I don’t mean to. It’s like a curse, or summat. I really, really don’t want to hurt you, Ness.” 

 

“I don’t want to hurt you either,” Vanessa offers openly, rubbing her hands down Charity’s back, smiling when Charity hums and leans back into the gesture. “But I think… I think this could be really good if we want it to be. So let’s just talk, eh?”

 

“You want to talk now?” Charity asks, drawing back from Vanessa’s neck. She moves her hands up Vanessa’s sides until they hit the bottom of her rib cage. 

 

“Your mind is always in the bloody-“ Vanessa sighs heavily, but Charity cuts her off mid sentence. 

 

“No, Ness,” Charity laughs. “I’m serious. If you want to talk now, we can.”

 

“Oh,” Vanessa replies, taken aback, spreading her hands between Charity’s shoulder blades. 

 

“We don’t have to,” Charity says, frowning at the look on Vanessa’s face, “if you have something else on your mind. Or you’re just done.”

 

“It’s not that I don’t want to,” Vanessa returns slowly, not sure how to articulate herself. “I just…” she trails off, “is it stupid that I just want to be close to you? We don’t have to… you know,  _ do _ anything, but do you maybe want to get into bed and just… I dunno, lie there for a bit?”

 

Charity doesn’t say anything at first, she just tilts her head to the side and watches intently, like she’s trying to see into Vanessa’s mind. 

 

“It’s stupid, isn’t it,” Vanessa says quietly, feeling throughtly embarrassed. Her hands move from Charity, dropping down onto the bed by Charity’s hips, bunching into her duvet cover. 

 

“No, babe it’s just a bit adorable,” Charity replies finally. “ _ You’re _ just a bit adorable.”

 

“Not adorable,” Vanessa whines, trying to wriggle out of Charity’s grip. “I’m supposed to be sexy to you, desirable, not adorable.”

 

“You can be all those things at once, Ness,” Charity offers gently, squeezing her thighs together to stop Vanessa escaping. “You  _ are _ all those things at once. And for the record, just in case it’s not totally flippin’ clear, I’d happily jump your bones anytime you wanted it, alright? There’s not a single question in that.” 

 

“Even if I’m wearing my dressing gown?” Vanessa asks, feeling some of the shyness slip away. “Without any makeup on, and messy hair.”

 

“Especially then,” Charity smirks in a way that makes Vanessa’s stomach swoop. “Easy to get into, isn’t it? ‘Specially if I nick the tie to keep it closed.” 

 

Charity growls into the next kiss when Vanessa leans forward. There’s more hunger in this one than the last. It feels closer to the morning a week ago, when they’d started kissing and hadn’t been able to stop. Vanessa feels Charity’s tongue on her bottom lip, pleading entrance, and Vanessa moans when she allows her in. 

 

“I thought you wanted to-“ Charity begins with a laugh when she breaks for breath a few minutes later, and Vanessa shakes her head quickly in apology, cutting her off. 

 

“Sorry,” Vanessa says with a rough voice, extracting her hands from Charity’s hair. “Sorry, I did. I do, but… god, I’ve missed you. I do want to talk and I don’t want you to think it’s the only thing I want because it’s not, Charity. I promise it’s not.”

 

“I’ve missed you too,“ Charity replies smoothly, ghosting her lips over Vanessa’s. She doesn’t bother to respond to Vanessa’s other comments, and Vanessa takes that to mean she knows those things, she trusts Vanessa’s intention, that she doesn’t need to say anything to them. 

 

“You know,” Vanessa reasons, straightening her back and sitting with her head high. It’s emboldening, the knowledge that _Charity Dingle missed_ _her_. “We could still be in bed lying down if we-“

 

“Vanessa,” Charity says, in a quiet objection, cutting herself off and biting her lip in her hesitation. It’s not something Vanessa’s used to seeing written across Charity’s face - uncertainty. 

 

“What is it?” Vanessa asks as her heart plummets, all of a sudden terrified she’s misread the situation. “Don’t you want- did I jump too fa-“

 

“I do,” Charity says firmly, sliding her hands up Vanessa’s sides until they can curl around her skull. “I really do. But are you sure you do? You’re not just-“

 

“Charity Dingle,” Vanessa replies confidently, unfolding her knees so she can sit on her shins instead. The change in position brings her up to Charity’s eye height. “I want this,” Vanessa says, looking into the green clearly. “I want you.”

 

“Bloody lucky that is,” Charity sighs, surging up and mirroring Vanessa’s position again, catching Vanessa in her arms, the momentum from her movement almost knocking the wind out of Vanessa’s chest when they crash together. 

 

Charity leans down and kisses her deeply, her arms sliding to Vanessa’s lower back, one of them finding the hem of Vanessa’s jumper while the other darts around to slip underneath it and find bare skin. “Because I want you too, Vanessa Woodfield, and I might go out of my mind if I have to wait much longer to have it.”

 

Vanessa blushes at Charity’s words but she doesn’t dally a second once she says them. She pulls her weight backwards, bringing her back to the bed with a muffled  _ thump _ as Charity comes down with her. She settles neatly between Vanessa’s thighs with a smirk as Vanessa wriggles into a comfortable trench in the blankets. 

 

Charity’s hair threads between her fingers when she pulls Charity back down for another kiss, her leg sliding up the outside of Charity’s thigh to hook over her waist. Her breath catches when Charity’s hands push her top up her stomach. 

 

“Are you sure this is alright?” Charity pauses, her palms spread on the smooth skin of Vanessa’s belly. She looks up to Vanessa when eyes that are almost black. 

 

“Charity, I promise I’ll tell you if it’s not alright,” Vanessa says with a rush of breath. “Until then, for God’s sake don’t stop.”

 

“Bossy when you’re turned on, aren’t you?” Charity smiles, the last of her tension and worry dissolving as Vanessa pushes up into her hands. 

 

“Thought I was bossy all the time,” Vanessa replies sarcastically. The tone dies on her lips when Charity leans down to press a kiss to her stomach beneath her hands though, drawing the skin against her teeth sharply. 

 

“You are,” Charity muses, smirking as she looks up Vanessa’s body, her hands moving to the closure of Vanessa’s jeans. “Lucky I like it all the time, don’t I.” 

 

“Wait,” Vanessa says quickly, and Charity’s hands stop immediately. She sits up, grasping the bottom of Charity’s jumper with her fingers. “You first.”

 

“Uh, uh, Ness,” Charity replies, snatching her hands away. “This time, you first. Last time I know you made it more about- just let me do this for you, will you? Please?”

 

“Charity, it was so good last time,” Vanessa reasons, a blush spreading across her cheeks again. “It was so good, you don’t have to do anything for m-”

 

“Well this’ll be better then, won’t it,” Charity says with a wink. “And I know I don’t,” she says with a softer tone, “but I want to, babe. I really do.”

 

There’s a deeply genuine look across Charity’s face as she waits for Vanessa’s reply. Her hands are still holding Vanessa’s but they’re resting on Vanessa’s hips, in limbo until Vanessa gives her say so, and the weight of them there is slightly intoxicating. It’s suggestive, a reminder almost of what Charity can do with them. 

 

“Does this mean I can have my way with you after?” Vanessa asks breathlessly, biting her lip, her heart skipping when Charity’s eyes flicker to them. “If I let you go first?”

 

She’s not sure how Charity makes her so brave, where the courage comes from when she’s with her but it’s effortlessly there. Vanessa’s has a taste now, she’s had a teaser but she wants to explore, she wants to play, she wants to see what all the fuss about physical intimacy is really about. She wants to see exactly what she can make Charity feel.

 

“Babe, you can have whatever you want,” Charity laughs, the sound deepening into some kind of groan when Vanessa stretches her own arms above her head without another word, giving Charity the okay to keep moving. “After,” Charity continues, punctuating the word with a kiss of the newly revealed skin of Vanessa’s chest once she discards the piece of clothing to the side and lowers herself over Vanessa’s body again, “after I’ve had my wicked way with you.”

 

It feels like some sort of dream sequence as Charity slowly removes each piece of her clothing, bit by bit, it’s almost as sensual than what comes next, the way she does it, the care in it, the concentration and the patience. She kisses every inch of Vanessa’s bare skin, moving up and down Vanessa’s body until Vanessa begins to grow impatient. 

 

“What do you need, Ness,” Charity whispers into her ear after what feels like hours. Her body is sticky with exertion where it meets Vanessa’s as she lays between her thighs, Charity’s underwear the only barrier left between them. 

 

Her hand is curled carefully around Vanessa’s breast as the other plants next to her head, holding Charity up above Vanessa just slightly, so only the smallest part of their bodies are seperated. Vanessa can feel a cool line from under the heated skin of Charity’s palm that runs up to her neck where Charity has just finished tracing with her tongue. A phantom breeze flutters through the room, hitting the temperature-sensitive skin, making Vanessa shiver. 

 

It’s rhetorical of course, Charity’s question. She knows exactly what Vanessa needs, but she’s playing a game she knows Vanessa will buy into. 

 

“I don’t remember you being this much of a tease last time,” Vanessa grumbles, arching up into Charity’s body, her desperation growing as the ache between her thighs deepens. 

 

“Yeah, well I was a bit distracted last time, weren’t I, babe?” Charity replies with a smug grin. She drops her head and brushes her nose against the tip of Vanessa’s. “What with you being naked in bed with me for the first time, and all.”

 

“Lost its shock value already, has it?” Vanessa stutters when Charity applies a heavier pressure with the thigh resting between hers. 

 

“Hardly,” Charity drawls, her eyes moving hungrily over Vanessa’s bare chest. “Just calmer now, aren’t I? Trying to take it all in. So tell me, Ness. What do you want?”

 

“You know what I want,” Vanessa groans, the sound almost a sob. “Charity, I-”

 

“Maybe I want you to say it,” Charity says in a hushed tone. She drops her mouth to Vanessa’s ear. “Maybe I need you to say it.”

 

The softness and plea in Charity’s voice almost breaks her, but Vanessa sinks her short nails into the bare skin of Charity’s back instead, making her hiss. “Touch me, Charity,” she breathes. “Please.”

 

“Weren’t it you who said manners will get you anywhere?” Charity says with a smirk, finally trailing the hand cupping Vanessa’s breast down between their bodies. “Guess you were right, eh?”

 

Her fingers are quick and clever as they slip between her thighs, and Vanessa’s immensely thankful for the empty house, for the fact that she can tip her head and arch her back and give herself completely to Charity. She was attentive last time, the first time they were together, but this is different, this makes Vanessa’s head spin and her heart race dangerously quick. 

 

“Charity,” Vanessa gasps as her skin starts to itch, and her muscles begin to shake, because there’s something Charity hasn’t given her that she wants. “I-,” she sighs, leading Charity’s hand lower until she understands. 

 

“Ness,” Charity says to her softly, brushing her cheek against Vanessa’s like she’s shaking her head. “I don’t…It’s gonna hu-“

 

“I know it is,” Vanessa replies with a rush of breath, tensing the muscles in her stomach in anticipation. “I know, but I want you- I want it to be you.”

 

“Are you sure?” Charity asks, lifting herself up to look Vanessa in the eye as her other hand slows to a barely there rhythm.

 

“Yes,” Vanessa nods, sliding her hand around the back of Charity’s neck, bringing her down low. “Charity, yes.”

 

She can feel the hesitation strung out in Charity’s body. She can see the way her eyes carry a tension. Charity’s a deep thinker, around her impulsivity, and Vanessa knows that she’s one of the only people in the world that gets to see that. She wants this though, she wants this next step with Charity, but she wants it if Charity wants it as well, if she’s ready to give it, and only then. 

 

The body above hers catches with its next inhale, it’s decision made. “I love you too,” Charity says finally in reply, her eyes glistening in the almost dark covering the room as her hand moves further down between Vanessa’s thighs, and the world disappears. 

  
  


-

  
  


“Tell me if I’m hurting you, or if it’s too-“

 

The nervousness present a few minutes ago is gone now, and Charity’s voice is smooth, her tone soft with the note she reserves for Vanessa only, to give her the confidence - Vanessa thinks - to let her own nerves fade away. 

 

Charity will lead now, because this might be new, but she can use an application of old experience, and Vanessa is completely green. 

 

“I will,” Vanessa says breathlessly, nodding her forehead against Charity’s as her fingers hover over the next step. “I promise.” 

 

“Are you scared?” Charity asks, her touch moving higher, fluttering over a spot that makes Vanessa’s toes curl. It’s not an unkind question, she just looks curious. 

 

“Some,” Vanessa replies shakily. “But not, because it’s you. I think it’s more… I don’t know what to expect.”

 

“It’ll get better,” Charity says with a small smile that settles Vanessa’s fear a little. “It’ll be nice, after a while, if you’re with the right person.”

 

“Good thing I’ve got the right person in front of me then, isn’t it?” Vanessa offers with a nervous smile. “Do you like it?” Vanessa asks as an afterthought. 

 

Charity doesn’t answer right away and Vanessa kicks herself for having asked the question, because of course she probably doesn’t. “I think I will,” Charity says after a pause, “with you, if you ever want to-“

 

“I do,” Vanessa says, surging up to kiss her. She’ll never be able to erase what Charity’s been through, but she can give her new memories if Charity wants them. 

 

Charity lengthens the next kiss instead of drawing it up short, she deepens it, pushing her tongue against Vanessa’s, making her pulse spike, driving reasonable thought from her mind until Charity’s fingers dip a little lower. 

 

“Look at me, Ness,” Charity whispers when she finally pulls away, locking her gaze to Vanessa’s. “Breathe, okay?” she tells Vanessa, exhaling slowly in illustration, until Vanessa’s body mimics the movement. “Just breathe.”

 

She doesn’t even realise she hasn’t been until her lungs ache with the fresh oxygen she takes in between Charity kissing her again. She nods, smiling shyly as she consciously draws air in and pushes it out again, and Charity smirks above her. 

 

“Good girl,” Charity says, half seriously, half teasingly, but it makes Vanessa blush so terribly that the heat of it climbs her chest and settles on her cheeks. 

 

“I hate that, you know,” Vanessa replies with a frown. “Good. It makes me feel like a-“

 

“It’s a good thing, babe,” Charity explains, kissing the corner of her mouth. “Good, ha,” she laughs. “You are though, and it’s… I wish I still was. I wish there was some good in me.”

 

It’s like a punch to the chest sometimes, Charity’s self-loathing, and Vanessa feels her throat thicken at the tone of Charity’s voice. “There is,” Vanessa says imploringly, pushing her hands deep into Charity’s hair, fighting tears. “Charity, there is.”

 

“Ness, there’s no-“

 

“Please don’t force me to make a rude joke about how there will be later at least, and listen to me when I tell you there is,” Vanessa pleads, spreading her fingers wide, winding them through rich gold and blonde. 

 

“Think you just did, babe,” Charity snorts, frowning when Vanessa closes her hands and tugs lightly on her hair. “Oi!”

 

“If you’re going to keep using the word for me, then you have to believe it applies to you too,” Vanessa reasons, rubbing at Charity’s scalp to soothe her dirty expression. “Or at least put up with me telling you it does.”

 

“Vanessa,” Charity deadpans, like she can’t believe they’re having this conversation, “we are naked in bed, having-look, are you actually debating semantics with me right now?”

 

“Easy solution isn’t there?” Vanessa says with a raised eyebrow, feeling a little smug.

 

“Yeah, I can ignore it and just tell you how good you are all day long,” Charity purrs, bringing her lips close to Vanessa’s before pulling them away, just out of reach. “All night long, too.”

 

“You’re impossible,” Vanessa grumbles, pulling Charity down towards her, smiling when Charity comes willingly. 

 

“I know,” Charity says with a flash of pride in her eye, “don’t you love me anyway, though?”

 

“Yeah, I do,” Vanessa nods, trying to suppress a wide smile in the corner of her mouth. She loosens her hands from Charity’s hair and trails her hands down Charity’s neck, over her shoulders, curling them around Charity’s biceps that frame her ears. “So shut up and kiss me and stop distracting me.” 

 

“Oh, but, babe,” Charity purrs, her voice beyond magnetic, completely hypnotic as she presses butterfly-light kisses to Vanessa’s cheeks, “you’re  _ so _ distractible.”

 

She leaves one at the corner of Vanessa’s mouth and Vanessa doesn’t waste the chance, turning her head quickly, capturing Charity’s lips against hers. She’s done playing, she feels like she’s losing her grip on reality with Charity almost naked, touching every inch of her body. She needs this now, and she needs Charity to understand that too.

 

Charity smiles into the kiss, and for a second Vanessa thinks she’s going to pull away again but she doesn’t, she comes for her instead, the force of her kiss, the hunger of it pushing Vanessa deep into the pillow beneath her head. 

 

“What else?” Vanessa asks with a hazy mind when they part, Charity’s kiss so thorough it leaves her mind in a low buzz. Her hand slips to curve around Charity’s head again when she lowers her mouth to Vanessa’s neck. “What else am I?”

 

“Kissable,” Charity replies, the vibration of her voice against the delicate skin of Vanessa’s throat making the ache between even stronger. 

 

“Touchable,” she adds, trailing her hand over Vanessa’s shoulder, down between her breasts, covering the gentle rise of it as Vanessa’s back arches. 

 

“Loveable,” Charity breathes as her fingers find the warmth between Vanessa’s thighs again, moving between them with a heated confidence, making Vanessa sigh breathlessly when she starts to find a heavier pressure again. 

 

She changes tact so smoothly, from teasing to seduction, that Vanessa’s heart throbs with it. There’s no need to urge Charity on again, none at all. She’s moving with intent now, working Vanessa up calmly, quickly, so her nerves don’t have a chance to catch up. 

 

“Talk to me, alright, Ness,” Charity breathes against the swollen flesh of Vanessa’s lips, her fingertips dipping into the source of warmth. “Tell me what you’re feeling,” she says as she finds the blue of Vanessa’s eyes and Vanessa feels her press in. 

 

She’s determined to keep her cool through this, not to show any sign of discomfort or pain, determined not to give Charity any cause to stop, but one look at her dissolves all of the tension in Vanessa’s body. One look and she knows she doesn’t need to do anything but  _ be _ , Charity doesn’t want that, she knows she doesn’t, she just needs to  _ feel _ .

 

“And babe,” Charity whispers as Vanessa feels a tighter pressure against her, pushing gently, slowly, until her eyes flutter closed and she bites her lip sharply against a dull ache, until she feels Charity,  _ everywhere _ , “don’t forget to breathe.”

 

-

**Author's Note:**

> [tumblr](http://tigerlo.tumblr.com) is here, blah blah.


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